“Socialism is all about taking decision-making away from the individual. We know what is best for you, so we decide what speed you should be doing at any given time. It’s all about control.”

So said Sadiq Khan, Minister of State for Transport, as he unveiled the latest measures in the government’s fight to make Britain’s roads the safest in the world.

Over the next three months, at least 20,000 more speed cameras are to be installed urgently on UK roads, including those that haven’t seen any accidents for twenty years or more.

Mr Sadiq went on,

“It’s also a class and pleasure thing. The middle classes drive around in luxury cars capable of covering a great deal of ground quickly, and we think it should be stopped. We also believe that taking the pleasure out of certain activities makes them safer. It’s a well known fact that car enthusiasts are more likely to drive quickly for the enjoyment of speed, and this habit in particular has to be stamped out. Also, as a muslim, I feel it is incumbent on me to make sure more cameras are sited within constituencies that vote disproportionately for the BNP. So let that be a warning: if you vote BNP you will be punished. Of course, if you vote Tory it doesn’t matter because they’re even soppier than us in many ways”.

Gordon Brown said:

“This is all about equality and fairness. It’s a well known fact that women and immigrants are appalling drivers, so it’s only proper that everyone should be reduced to their level, i.e. made to drive very slowly. Actually, I hate driving and the DVLA aren’t keen on me taking to the road with my sight problems, so I don’t see why anyone else should enjoy it either. We’re getting these cameras in as quickly as we can, certainly before the next election. Please think of it as Labour’s parting gift”.