In a move intended to inject accountability and fairness into the selection of candidates for the next election, David Cameron today announced that he will be ordering special shortlists to be drawn up for many constituencies.

“People already know that we intend to have all-women shortlists, especially for the safe Tory seats. But now we’re going even further. For fifty of our safest seats we’ll be selecting candidates from shortlists that are not only all-women, in addition they will be black or asian, lesbian and disabled. This will demonstrate my determination to rid the party, once and for all, of its previous reputation for elitism and racist selection.”

Read the full story

“The way women are portrayed in the media needs a thorough overhaul. And to do that we have to pass more new laws. From now on, we must work to make the media portray women in a modern and appropriate light. For instance, It would be no bad thing if females are consistently shown on television as strong and independent, and certainly never in need of men’s help.”

Read the full story

Sources at the Home Office signalled last night that muslim demands for modesty in women’s dress will be put before Parliament very shortly.

The demands centre on “Immodest female displays” that are alleged to inflame otherwise devout muslim men. In a move intended to cut rape figures and make muslims feel “more at home”, Mr Straw said:

Read the full story

The charity world was rocked last night by Martin Narey, the Chief Executive of Barnardos. Formerly the head of the UK Prison Service, Mr Narey was recorded on tape admitting that,

“Barnardos is the best scam I’ve ever seen. We pretend to do valuable work, but actually all we do is sit around all day telling other people what they should be doing and draw big salaries. Ok, it’s sanctimonious claptrap that we put out, and I hate it, but boy does it pay the bills. And, I get a cracking pension as well! All being well, there’ll be a peerage in it too. Believe me, there’s nothing like running charities for making big dosh, and nobody ever complains – it’s not like being a banker.”

Read the full story

In a well-signalled move, Lord Mandelson last night announced an imminent shake-up of adoption laws.

Speaking at the NSPCC’s [National Society for the Prevention of Children] annual dinner, he said:

“After discussions with eminent and interested parties such as Sir Elton John, George Michael and my live-in lover Ronaldo, the government has decided to make the adoption of children fairer and non-elitist going forward. For too long, it has been assumed that children flourish when brought up by married and co-habiting heterosexual couples. Now, however, after extensive research carried out by me, it turns out this isn’t true. In fact, it is far better for adopted kids to be placed with gay couples, preferably high-achievers such as myself. Not only will this help them benefit from a civilising and feminising atmosphere, they’ll also receive appropriate awareness tuition so they can go on to choose their adult sexuality completely free of prejudicial social pressure.”

Read the full story

In a shock move, the Chancellor, Alistair Darling yesterday announced his latest initiative on unemployment.

“With prostitution now the sole expanding sector of the UK economy, I believe it is time to harness the profession for the good of the country. I therefore propose to make it mandatory for all sex workers to employ at least one black male pimp on a salary not less than the national minimum wage. These measures have two main benefits: one, better employment opportunities and wider lifestyle-choices for black men – who are particularly suited to this work – and two, more business for the girls.”

Read the full story

Gordon Brown’s beleagured government today announced innovative plans to target white voters at the next election. Lord Mandelson, who is tasked with masterminding Labour’s fightback at the polls, said it was about time the party remembered their core vote: the white working class.

Read the full story

It isn’t just duck-houses and avoiding capital gains tax by flipping homes; last night it emerged that MPs have been routinely charging HIV tests on their boyfriends to the taxpayer. Worse, it also turns out the tests were conducted privately, not on the NHS.

Read the full story

As part of the government’s drive towards a more diverse and culturally-rich society, the Justice Ministry announced today that science and technology will be employed in its recently announced overhaul of sentencing guidelines. The changes will relate to the treatment of ethic minorities by crown and magistrates’ courts and are intended to mollify campaigners calling for more lenient sentences, especially for newly arrived immigrants.

Read the full story

With the introduction of compulsory ID cards hot on the political agenda, the Home Secretary announced today that in addition to being used as a weapon against terrorists, the cards would also be valuable in the fight against paedophiles.

Read the full story