Initial reports that Tiger Woods’ car crash was a direct result of his having rowed with his wife are accurate. But what caused their fall-out? Details are now emerging.

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Reports are coming in that Thierry Henry, the well known footballer and former star of adverts for girlie French cars, has died in an horrific car crash.

It is understood that the accident took place in the same Paris underpass that claimed the life of Princess Diana more than ten years ago.

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In a frank admission, the Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, last night confirmed what many people already suspected: that most policewomen are lesbian. Surprisingly, he also stated that he believes not enough policemen are homosexual or transgender, which is why recruitment advertisements will from now on be confined to media that have the correct readership, such as The Guardian newspaper.

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As part of the government’s policy of modernisation, accountability and fairness, Ed Balls, the Educashun Minister, today announced his latest weapon against elitism…

He told a meeting of Community Outreach Workers, all recent graduates in Lesbian Studies and New Media:

“We have to bring more fairness into education. We also have to get more young people going to university. Unfortunately, that isn’t how our best universities see their role. Instead, they insist on excluding applicants who don’t have qualifications that match up to their requirements. So, I’m bringing in new admission rules for all universities, especially the snobbiest such as Oxford and Cambridge.”

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In a confidential email, sure to cause widespread embarrassment to the government and climate change activists alike, Ed Miliband, Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change has described climate change as “The best scam ever invented”.

Despite having no science qualifications whatsoever, Mr Miliband is the government’s global warming cheerleader, popping up everywhere with all kinds of deceitful messages and propaganda.

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The BNP today came up with what seems a simple solution to the Afghanistan war.

At a press conference in London, Nick Griffin said:

“There are 120,000 Afghans living in the UK. And those are just the ones we know about. We’re also told that the police are overstretched keeping tabs on UK muslim terrorist plots. The Afghan war is meant to keep terrorism off the streets of our country and we’re told that if we weren’t prosecuting the war we’d be obliged to let in even more Afghans as refugees and asylum seekers. Well, how about getting rid of the Afghans and all the other assorted muslims and sending them back to their own countries…then we can bring our forces back home and forget about the bastards”.

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Jack Straw announced today that at least a thousand more mosques are to be built in the UK over the next two years. He also made it clear that taxpayers’ money would be used to fund the unprecedented building programme.

“Let’s face it” he said to our reporter,

“muslims are the main supporters of the Labour Party these days and we must do all we can to keep them onside. We will be putting up new mosques wherever muslims want them, including areas where they are not yet a majority. This makes good electoral sense and I don’t care what the white fascist Tory-voting middle class make of it. In fact, we’re currently thinking about demolishing a few churches and synagogues to make way for them”.

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In a thinly-veiled attack on senior judges, the police and the Crown Prosecution Service, Harriet Harman, Minister for women and equality said today that she would be masterminding major changes in the criminal law.

“The conviction rate for men accused of rape and sexual offences against women is disgracefully low and we must do something about it. Next month I will introduce a parliamentary bill that will end this situation once and for all”

, she said.

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“Socialism is all about taking decision-making away from the individual. We know what is best for you, so we decide what speed you should be doing at any given time. It’s all about control.”

So said Sadiq Khan, Minister of State for Transport, as he unveiled the latest measures in the government’s fight to make Britain’s roads the safest in the world.

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