Initial reports that Tiger Woods’ car crash was a direct result of his having rowed with his wife are accurate. But what caused their fall-out? Details are now emerging.

During routine medical tests carried out on the day of their row, Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, discovered she’d been infected with HIV. Thinking that her husband was the most likely culprit, she immediately drove home to confront him with the evidence, and a huge row erupted. After a torrid exchange of insults, Tiger jumped into his Cadillac Escalade and drove off into the night. Unfortunately, in common with most black men, his talents do not extend to driving cars, and he crashed within the first hundred yards.

A police spokesman confirmed the accident was completely avoidable: “This was a classic single-vehicle incident. I was first on the scene and can say it was caused entirely by driver incompetence. Basically, Mr Woods was driving in a melodramatic manner and lost control of the car. It’s the kind of thing teenagers do all the time. I can’t begin to tell you how many niggers drive like this and end up coming to grief.”

Doctors treating the golf star admitted were baffled by his condition when admitted to hospital. Dr Bartfieldfontein-Rothschild said: “We’re puzzled that such a low speed collision resulted in Mr Woods being knocked unconscious. Normally, negroes can sustain colossal head injuries and remain fully alert. We expect that following a day or so of medical observation he will be released back to his family.”

Reports are coming in that Thierry Henry, the well known footballer and former star of adverts for girlie French cars, has died in an horrific car crash.

It is understood that the accident took place in the same Paris underpass that claimed the life of Princess Diana more than ten years ago.

Eye witness accounts confirm that Thierry was in the driver’s seat of the black Mercedes as it left the road at high speed, impacting on the very same concrete pillar that the Princess’s car collided with.

French police are believed to be searching for Irish registered cars and people with Irish accents after hearing that Thierry’s car was being chased by fans angry at the result of last nights World Cup qualifier where the cheating cunt ruined Ireland’s chance of making it to South Africa.

Interviewed over the telephone on a bad line, his partner Ashley Cole said:

“The hospital says that he is in intensive care, but they don’t expect him to pull through because they can’t detect any brain activity. I told them they need to remember he is French and make allowances. I’m praying for him while I travel to his bedside.”

In a frank admission, the Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, last night confirmed what many people already suspected: that most policewomen are lesbian. Surprisingly, he also stated that he believes not enough policemen are homosexual or transgender, which is why recruitment advertisements will from now on be confined to media that have the correct readership, such as The Guardian newspaper.

“We need to get away from stereotypical images of policing and make sure that forces throughout the UK are appropriately constituted. Now that the police service operates more as an engine of social engineering than anything else, we need to ensure that all serving police officers are sympathetic to the minorities they are there to support”.

He went on:

”Gone are the days when the police were there to tackle burglars and robbers, like you see in programmes such as The Sweeney. Oh no, we’ve already got rid of that macho culture. And, to maintain our policy, we come down hard on any officers who persist in practices such as tough questioning of suspects (apart from people who have offended muslims that is). I am proud of our modern police service and will continue to do all I can to make it the number one employer of gays and transgender people. This is the only way to fight the so-called canteen culture and make the country fit for gays, immigrants and people thinking of gender reassignment”.

In a thinly-veiled attack on senior judges, the police and the Crown Prosecution Service, Harriet Harman, Minister for women and equality said today that she would be masterminding major changes in the criminal law.

“The conviction rate for men accused of rape and sexual offences against women is disgracefully low and we must do something about it. Next month I will introduce a parliamentary bill that will end this situation once and for all”

, she said.

She went on to explain that the bill will contain three main provisions. One, that any woman found to have made false rape claims will be immune from prosecution and will continue to enjoy anonymity. Two, that bail will only be granted to men who make full and frank confessions of guilt immediately after arrest. Three, that the presumption of innocence, a tradition that goes back centuries, be suspended in rape and sexual assault cases.

In a short interview with our reporter she added:

“It’s about time someone stood up for women and I’m the person to do it. Men have been getting away with violence against women for too long and they need to be taught a lesson. I intend to make conviction rates rise to something like one hundred percent and for sentences to be far harsher. Juries will be told, as soon as they enter court and see the man in the dock that they must assume him to be guilty. Judges are to be told to make sure the prosecution gets their full support and the police will be instructed to prosecute every single complaint of rape that comes their way. It’s no good thinking that drunken irrational women would ever make a false complaint, indeed, I would urge them to routinely interview all women to find out it they can recall a man they can accuse of raping them in the past”.

As part of the government’s drive towards a more diverse and culturally-rich society, the Justice Ministry announced today that science and technology will be employed in its recently announced overhaul of sentencing guidelines. The changes will relate to the treatment of ethic minorities by crown and magistrates’ courts and are intended to mollify campaigners calling for more lenient sentences, especially for newly arrived immigrants.

With measures already in place to ensure that ethic minorities must not be sentenced to prison if found guilty of any but the most serious offences, discussions have reached a conclusion regarding the disposal of cases involving rape, murder, manslaughter, robbery and kidnap.

Sentencing will be on a sliding scale. Offenders with the darkest skin will continue to receive the lightest sentences (no change there, then), generally probation or community service. Those with the lightest skin, ranging right up to caucasian will receive the heaviest sentences.

Skin pigmentation will be precisely measured using spectrometers, with results conveyed to judges via the usual probation reports. To ensure fairness, for those whose pigmentation is anything but black, a language appraisal will also be considered. This means anyone who doesn’t speak perfect English will be treated as if they were black-skinned.

The Home Secretary, former postman Alan Johnson, was keen to stress the fairness of the new guidelines.

“Everybody knows that most black people are either thick and prone to violence, or devious and likely to have talents related excusively to fraud. These new measures will protect not only the rights of black people, but immigrants of all colours, and Asians. I commend it to the house.”

Judge Robert Bartfield, well known jewish Leftie and scourge of gentile offenders, said:

“This is brilliant news and justifies my approach over the years. Everybody I’ve spoken to at the synagogue is thrilled.”

With the introduction of compulsory ID cards hot on the political agenda, the Home Secretary announced today that in addition to being used as a weapon against terrorists, the cards would also be valuable in the fight against paedophiles.

He said:

“Now that we’ve discovered criminal record checks do little to protect children, particularly from first-offenders who simply do not show up on our radar, and because sex-offending isn’t confined to men, we are introducing a catch-all system to ensure only suitable people are allowed near the nation’s children and infants. This system, which amounts to a foolproof audit of all living adults, will be incorporated into ID card data. This means that when someone presents an ID card, you only have to check that it contains the words Passed UK Paedophile Audit in order to be sure that the person is safe around children. Additionally, because so many people object to the idea of compulsory ID cards, we feel this is a good way of softening them up and making them more amenable to them”.

He went on to describe how the new system will operate. All adults, aged 14 to 75, will be obliged to submit to an Arousal Test. This consists of having a sensor attached to the penis (inserted into the vagina in the case of women) before being shown child porn of all categories. The slightest twitch (or moistening in the case of women) will result in that person having their ID card marked with the words Failed UK Paedophile Audit. Of course, in order to keep the data current, all UK residents will be tested as they reach the age of 14. Additionally, all visitors and immigrants to the UK will be obliged to undergo the test at the port of entry.

It is understood that some crown employees will be exempt. These will include MPs and crown court judges, together with vicars and priests.

In a move intended to outflank the Conservatives in the run-up to the next election, the government has announced a major shake-up of sentencing policy.

The move was welcomed by all sections of the Labour Party as a practical way of reducing population-pressure on UK jails that are bursting at the seams. And, at the same time, it is seen as going some way towards granting real equality to immigrants.

The Home Secretary, former postman Alan Johnson, said the government was proud to introduce the new law. “This legislation achieves three main objectives. First, it will save millions of pounds by emptying our prisons and putting immigrants who break the law back into society where they belong. Secondly, it will remove the stigma of prison sentences from immigrants, especially those who are newly-arrived and haven’t yet attuned to our way of life. After all, it’s a sad fact that immigrants, especially those from war-torn African countries, are far more likely to stab or rape someone than people who have lived here for a while. In short, they don’t know any better and we must make allowances. Thirdly, by demonstrating compassion and putting them into council houses rather than simply locking them up like the Tories would like to do, we can stimulate the construction industry by making necessary the building of more council accommodation”.

The new legislation, which is to be rushed through the Commons, will mean that anyone from an ethic minority must be sentenced to community orders and/or probation if found guilty of any offence other than the most serious such as murder. Discussions are still in progress regarding murder convictions, but it is understood that suspended sentences will be recommended.

The BBC was in chaos last night after racism allegations forced its flagship-programme Crimewatch to be suspended. Kirsty Young, the beautiful Arian blonde poached from Channel 5 to front the show, said she was shocked and saddened by the BBC’s sudden decision to pull the programme. However, her co-presenter, Matthew Amroliwala, added,

“This came as no surprise to me. I’ve been expecting it ever since we went to the new format”.

Allegations centre on the way the programme features so many foreign and ethnic criminals, particularly black and asian men. Indeed, one insider told us that they account for at least 80% of the crimes and “mugshots” in every edition. Jeremy Paxman, the Newsnight anchor, appeared to attack the programme, saying:

“With these skewed figures, regular Crimewatch viewers would think that every black or asian man is a criminal”.

But, he went on to say,

“With blacks knocking each other off on every street corner and asians doing most of the fraud and all of the terrorism, what else can you do?”

As it emerged that the programme is abandoning its current format, producers were at pains to point out that they are working hard to revamp the show. A senior manager told us:

“We intend to still concentrate on the worst and most shocking crimes, but are looking at how we can conceal the ethnic origins of the perpetrators. If they aren’t white that is. Using state of the art technology, we believe that we can mask offenders’ racial origins and, if necessary, we’ll also change any names that are stereotypical. If we don’t do this we’ll simply end up with a boring show full of nonces and burglars”.

It remains to be seen whether it’s possible to run the show successfully in this more politically corrrect manner. In the meantime, licence-payers will be assured in an upcoming broadcast by Sir Trevor Phillips OBE, head of the Equality and Human Rights Commission and former television executive and presenter, how important it is that the BBC continues to promote ethnic rights and fight racism.