As part of the government’s policy of modernisation, accountability and fairness, Ed Balls, the Educashun Minister, today announced his latest weapon against elitism…

He told a meeting of Community Outreach Workers, all recent graduates in Lesbian Studies and New Media:

“We have to bring more fairness into education. We also have to get more young people going to university. Unfortunately, that isn’t how our best universities see their role. Instead, they insist on excluding applicants who don’t have qualifications that match up to their requirements. So, I’m bringing in new admission rules for all universities, especially the snobbiest such as Oxford and Cambridge.”

He continued,

“Universities must throw open their doors to the most disadvantaged in our society. I’m talking especially about young people whose parents couldn’t afford private education. Therefore we are introducing a Fairness Agenda which will be binding on all further educational outlets.”

“The Fairness Agenda consists of new criteria that must be used when assessing applicants for university admission. Basically, it is a points system designed to end elitism once and for all. Points will be awarded according to the type of school attended with maximum being awarded to those who are state educated. Then, disabilities and sexual orientation are taken into account by awarding further points for being gay, bisexual or having any physical or mental disability.”

Chris Woodhead, former Chief Inspector of Schools said:

“These new rules mean that if you are extremely thick, or were unfortunate enough to have attended a state school, you need to have a few limbs amputated and you’ll be good for any university. Either that, or you need to find a sudden liking for taking it up the arse.”

In a well-trailed move, and part of the ongoing campaign to bring equality and fairness to homosexuals, it has been announced by Ed Balls, the minister for children, schools and families, that pupils as young as seven will soon be receiving classroom visits and lectures from Elton John, the well-known pop singer.

Announcing the initiative, Mr Balls said:

“It is a fact that many young children are unaware of their latent sexual tendencies and it’s important that these should be nurtured as early as possible, before they go on to develop heterosexual habits later in life. Educational psychologists at the department of education estimate that the true percentage of the population that is homosexual is around 75%, but that inapropriate education and mistakes in their upbringing cause too many children to develop “Homosexuality Denial”.

In an interview with the Guardian newspaper, Mr John explained that he would be visiting as many schools as possible over the coming months and that school timetables are being amended so as to accommodate his lectures. He added,

“I intend to bring hope to those children who are wrestling with their sexuality and reassure them that you are never too young to start having sex. We’ll be starting with seven-year olds and working our way up them”.

Mr Balls welcomed Mr John’s initiative saying:

“We’ve managed to get education to a stage where pupils learn nothing at all and remain illiterate right up to the age of sixteen. Now, we can be proud we’re really them something that will improve their lives and outcomes. Who knows, it may even impress the judges on X Factor”