Sources at the Home Office signalled last night that muslim demands for modesty in women’s dress will be put before Parliament very shortly.

The demands centre on “Immodest female displays” that are alleged to inflame otherwise devout muslim men. In a move intended to cut rape figures and make muslims feel “more at home”, Mr Straw said:

“This is just the kind of forward-looking legislation we need. I believe that it is truly offensive for Asians, whose own women deliberately make themselves even more unattractive than they already are, to be confronted with naturally attractive Caucasian women flaunting their sexuality in public”.

Harriet Harman, Minister for Women agreed.

“The skirt is a symbol of sexism and female slavery to men’s lecherousness. It doesn’t matter whether it is a mini-skirt or full length, the fact is that it is designed to pander to men by showing the legs and emphasising the split-arse nature of the wearer. The sooner we can implement this ban the better. And while we’re at it, I think we should also ban displays of cleavage”.

Gordon Brown made his approval clear.

“My wife has bloody awful legs. They look like something on an elephant and make me embarrassed to take her anywhere. I look forward to the day when she has to cover up with trousers”.

In a short telephone interview, and speaking from Pakistan, Omar Bakri, the moderate spokesman for UK muslims, said,

”British women dress like prostitutes and it is most offensive to us. Imagine what it is like for muslims, especially those new to the UK: we hardly get any sex, and what we do get is crap, so the sight of legs and tits on good-looking women is offensive”.

The charity world was rocked last night by Martin Narey, the Chief Executive of Barnardos. Formerly the head of the UK Prison Service, Mr Narey was recorded on tape admitting that,

“Barnardos is the best scam I’ve ever seen. We pretend to do valuable work, but actually all we do is sit around all day telling other people what they should be doing and draw big salaries. Ok, it’s sanctimonious claptrap that we put out, and I hate it, but boy does it pay the bills. And, I get a cracking pension as well! All being well, there’ll be a peerage in it too. Believe me, there’s nothing like running charities for making big dosh, and nobody ever complains – it’s not like being a banker.”

Ed Balls, Children’s and Schools minister said:

“The cat’s out of the bag now. That fat bastard Narey was only appointed to shut him up about the problems in the prisons; now he’s buggering up one of the best-maintained illusions we’ve ever created.”

A spokesman for the Charities Commission said last night,

“Everybody except the general public knows that charities are run entirely for the benefit of the people who run them. Barnardos haven’t done anything useful since 1989, when they closed the last of their orphanages. It’s the same with Children in Need: if the money that gets raised ever got anywhere near the children it’s intended for they’d all be millionaires by now. The trouble with this kind of irresponsible talk is that it damages us all, people in the charity business, that is.”

Late last night Mr Narey was unavailable for comment. However, a woman describing herself as his personal assistant said: “Fuck off.”