Jack Straw announced today that at least a thousand more mosques are to be built in the UK over the next two years. He also made it clear that taxpayers’ money would be used to fund the unprecedented building programme.

“Let’s face it” he said to our reporter,

“muslims are the main supporters of the Labour Party these days and we must do all we can to keep them onside. We will be putting up new mosques wherever muslims want them, including areas where they are not yet a majority. This makes good electoral sense and I don’t care what the white fascist Tory-voting middle class make of it. In fact, we’re currently thinking about demolishing a few churches and synagogues to make way for them”.

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“The way women are portrayed in the media needs a thorough overhaul. And to do that we have to pass more new laws. From now on, we must work to make the media portray women in a modern and appropriate light. For instance, It would be no bad thing if females are consistently shown on television as strong and independent, and certainly never in need of men’s help.”

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In a well-signalled move, Lord Mandelson last night announced an imminent shake-up of adoption laws.

Speaking at the NSPCC’s [National Society for the Prevention of Children] annual dinner, he said:

“After discussions with eminent and interested parties such as Sir Elton John, George Michael and my live-in lover Ronaldo, the government has decided to make the adoption of children fairer and non-elitist going forward. For too long, it has been assumed that children flourish when brought up by married and co-habiting heterosexual couples. Now, however, after extensive research carried out by me, it turns out this isn’t true. In fact, it is far better for adopted kids to be placed with gay couples, preferably high-achievers such as myself. Not only will this help them benefit from a civilising and feminising atmosphere, they’ll also receive appropriate awareness tuition so they can go on to choose their adult sexuality completely free of prejudicial social pressure.”

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