Jack Straw announced today that at least a thousand more mosques are to be built in the UK over the next two years. He also made it clear that taxpayers’ money would be used to fund the unprecedented building programme.

“Let’s face it” he said to our reporter,

“muslims are the main supporters of the Labour Party these days and we must do all we can to keep them onside. We will be putting up new mosques wherever muslims want them, including areas where they are not yet a majority. This makes good electoral sense and I don’t care what the white fascist Tory-voting middle class make of it. In fact, we’re currently thinking about demolishing a few churches and synagogues to make way for them”.

Asked to comment, David Cameron, the Tory leader said,

“We fully endorse this plan. I want to lead a party that is inclusive and, to be frank, I’ll do anything to get into power, including siding with a few Pakis. After all, they’ll soon outnumber us, so there’s no real choice. By the way, did you know that I had a disabled son? He died you know”.

Noor Ramjanally, muslim community leader in Southall welcomed the move.

“It’s only logical that we should build more mosques. We are in the middle of a breeding programme intended to make us the dominant race in the UK and it is fitting that we should have an appropriate number of places of worship and brainwashing at our disposal”.

The Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment last night, but a spokesperson for the party said:

“It’s no good asking us for comment because every single one of our MPs has a different view on every issue”.

“The way women are portrayed in the media needs a thorough overhaul. And to do that we have to pass more new laws. From now on, we must work to make the media portray women in a modern and appropriate light. For instance, It would be no bad thing if females are consistently shown on television as strong and independent, and certainly never in need of men’s help.”

Those are the words of Harriet Harman, Minister for Wimmin and Equallitty, speaking at this year’s Lesbian Convention held at London’s Women’s Centre & Refuge in Hackney, east London.

She went on,

“For years now we’ve used the media to get government policies and propaganda across to the population by leaning on the scriptwriters and story editors of leading soaps. Why else do you think the storylines of Coronation Street and Eastenders so often mirror what’s going on and hammer home what happens if you don’t obey the law? Why else do you think there are so many ethnic minorities in the soaps and why they’re always shown in a positive light? In short, this is what we need to do for women and I’m in contact with both the BBC and ITV right now”.

Outlining her proposals, she also touched on the vexed question of women who make false accusations of rape.

“It is scandalous that women who wrongly report to the police that they have been raped always end up with custodial sentences, while the men they have accused go free. I intend to make it the law that women found to have made false or malicious accusations will never have to face a criminal court, but will instead receive counselling, together with additional Social Security benefits”.

In a well-signalled move, Lord Mandelson last night announced an imminent shake-up of adoption laws.

Speaking at the NSPCC’s [National Society for the Prevention of Children] annual dinner, he said:

“After discussions with eminent and interested parties such as Sir Elton John, George Michael and my live-in lover Ronaldo, the government has decided to make the adoption of children fairer and non-elitist going forward. For too long, it has been assumed that children flourish when brought up by married and co-habiting heterosexual couples. Now, however, after extensive research carried out by me, it turns out this isn’t true. In fact, it is far better for adopted kids to be placed with gay couples, preferably high-achievers such as myself. Not only will this help them benefit from a civilising and feminising atmosphere, they’ll also receive appropriate awareness tuition so they can go on to choose their adult sexuality completely free of prejudicial social pressure.”

He added that the incidence of child cruelty and abuse has always been almost non-existent among homosexuals, whereas it is a fact that men who are attracted to women are statistically almost certain to sexually assault young children. He went on to say:

“Considering that only a few years ago men were sent to prison for being gay; I shall not rest until a full reversal is achieved. In years to come, I hope that homophobia and the deliberate promotion of the nuclear family will become criminal offences and rigorously punished.”

It is unclear when the legislation would be put before parliament, but it is expected that Lord Mandelson’s measures will be in place in time for his next holiday in Thailand. Children are easily obtainable in Thailand and are not difficult to export.