Jack Straw announced today that at least a thousand more mosques are to be built in the UK over the next two years. He also made it clear that taxpayers’ money would be used to fund the unprecedented building programme.

“Let’s face it” he said to our reporter,

“muslims are the main supporters of the Labour Party these days and we must do all we can to keep them onside. We will be putting up new mosques wherever muslims want them, including areas where they are not yet a majority. This makes good electoral sense and I don’t care what the white fascist Tory-voting middle class make of it. In fact, we’re currently thinking about demolishing a few churches and synagogues to make way for them”.

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“Socialism is all about taking decision-making away from the individual. We know what is best for you, so we decide what speed you should be doing at any given time. It’s all about control.”

So said Sadiq Khan, Minister of State for Transport, as he unveiled the latest measures in the government’s fight to make Britain’s roads the safest in the world.

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In a move intended to inject accountability and fairness into the selection of candidates for the next election, David Cameron today announced that he will be ordering special shortlists to be drawn up for many constituencies.

“People already know that we intend to have all-women shortlists, especially for the safe Tory seats. But now we’re going even further. For fifty of our safest seats we’ll be selecting candidates from shortlists that are not only all-women, in addition they will be black or asian, lesbian and disabled. This will demonstrate my determination to rid the party, once and for all, of its previous reputation for elitism and racist selection.”

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In a well-signalled move, Lord Mandelson last night announced an imminent shake-up of adoption laws.

Speaking at the NSPCC’s [National Society for the Prevention of Children] annual dinner, he said:

“After discussions with eminent and interested parties such as Sir Elton John, George Michael and my live-in lover Ronaldo, the government has decided to make the adoption of children fairer and non-elitist going forward. For too long, it has been assumed that children flourish when brought up by married and co-habiting heterosexual couples. Now, however, after extensive research carried out by me, it turns out this isn’t true. In fact, it is far better for adopted kids to be placed with gay couples, preferably high-achievers such as myself. Not only will this help them benefit from a civilising and feminising atmosphere, they’ll also receive appropriate awareness tuition so they can go on to choose their adult sexuality completely free of prejudicial social pressure.”

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Gordon Brown’s beleagured government today announced innovative plans to target white voters at the next election. Lord Mandelson, who is tasked with masterminding Labour’s fightback at the polls, said it was about time the party remembered their core vote: the white working class.

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It isn’t just duck-houses and avoiding capital gains tax by flipping homes; last night it emerged that MPs have been routinely charging HIV tests on their boyfriends to the taxpayer. Worse, it also turns out the tests were conducted privately, not on the NHS.

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In a move intended to outflank the Conservatives in the run-up to the next election, the government has announced a major shake-up of sentencing policy.

The move was welcomed by all sections of the Labour Party as a practical way of reducing population-pressure on UK jails that are bursting at the seams. And, at the same time, it is seen as going some way towards granting real equality to immigrants.

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News emerged last night that a well-known Tory MP has been compromised after being caught in bed with a notorious local male prostitute. The incident took place in the MP’s luxury suite at the Midland Hotel in Manchester, where most of the Conservative delegates are staying during conference.

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