Jack Straw announced today that at least a thousand more mosques are to be built in the UK over the next two years. He also made it clear that taxpayers’ money would be used to fund the unprecedented building programme.

“Let’s face it” he said to our reporter,

“muslims are the main supporters of the Labour Party these days and we must do all we can to keep them onside. We will be putting up new mosques wherever muslims want them, including areas where they are not yet a majority. This makes good electoral sense and I don’t care what the white fascist Tory-voting middle class make of it. In fact, we’re currently thinking about demolishing a few churches and synagogues to make way for them”.

Asked to comment, David Cameron, the Tory leader said,

“We fully endorse this plan. I want to lead a party that is inclusive and, to be frank, I’ll do anything to get into power, including siding with a few Pakis. After all, they’ll soon outnumber us, so there’s no real choice. By the way, did you know that I had a disabled son? He died you know”.

Noor Ramjanally, muslim community leader in Southall welcomed the move.

“It’s only logical that we should build more mosques. We are in the middle of a breeding programme intended to make us the dominant race in the UK and it is fitting that we should have an appropriate number of places of worship and brainwashing at our disposal”.

The Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment last night, but a spokesperson for the party said:

“It’s no good asking us for comment because every single one of our MPs has a different view on every issue”.

“Socialism is all about taking decision-making away from the individual. We know what is best for you, so we decide what speed you should be doing at any given time. It’s all about control.”

So said Sadiq Khan, Minister of State for Transport, as he unveiled the latest measures in the government’s fight to make Britain’s roads the safest in the world.

Over the next three months, at least 20,000 more speed cameras are to be installed urgently on UK roads, including those that haven’t seen any accidents for twenty years or more.

Mr Sadiq went on,

“It’s also a class and pleasure thing. The middle classes drive around in luxury cars capable of covering a great deal of ground quickly, and we think it should be stopped. We also believe that taking the pleasure out of certain activities makes them safer. It’s a well known fact that car enthusiasts are more likely to drive quickly for the enjoyment of speed, and this habit in particular has to be stamped out. Also, as a muslim, I feel it is incumbent on me to make sure more cameras are sited within constituencies that vote disproportionately for the BNP. So let that be a warning: if you vote BNP you will be punished. Of course, if you vote Tory it doesn’t matter because they’re even soppier than us in many ways”.

Gordon Brown said:

“This is all about equality and fairness. It’s a well known fact that women and immigrants are appalling drivers, so it’s only proper that everyone should be reduced to their level, i.e. made to drive very slowly. Actually, I hate driving and the DVLA aren’t keen on me taking to the road with my sight problems, so I don’t see why anyone else should enjoy it either. We’re getting these cameras in as quickly as we can, certainly before the next election. Please think of it as Labour’s parting gift”.

In a move intended to inject accountability and fairness into the selection of candidates for the next election, David Cameron today announced that he will be ordering special shortlists to be drawn up for many constituencies.

“People already know that we intend to have all-women shortlists, especially for the safe Tory seats. But now we’re going even further. For fifty of our safest seats we’ll be selecting candidates from shortlists that are not only all-women, in addition they will be black or asian, lesbian and disabled. This will demonstrate my determination to rid the party, once and for all, of its previous reputation for elitism and racist selection.”

Mr Cameron went on to say that his new initiative should play well with voters in marginal areas, where many immigrants tend to live, but will not affect the outcome in safe Tory seats. He told our reporter,

“To be frank, all I’m bothered about is winning the election. Having a few black dykes around the place once we’re in power won’t matter because we’ll be able to tell them what to do”.

Asked to comment, Gordon Brown said that he intends to match the Tory move. “We’re just about to do the same, but as usual, the Tories have moved first in a cynical publicity exercise”, he said in a statement released from Downing Street.

In a well-signalled move, Lord Mandelson last night announced an imminent shake-up of adoption laws.

Speaking at the NSPCC’s [National Society for the Prevention of Children] annual dinner, he said:

“After discussions with eminent and interested parties such as Sir Elton John, George Michael and my live-in lover Ronaldo, the government has decided to make the adoption of children fairer and non-elitist going forward. For too long, it has been assumed that children flourish when brought up by married and co-habiting heterosexual couples. Now, however, after extensive research carried out by me, it turns out this isn’t true. In fact, it is far better for adopted kids to be placed with gay couples, preferably high-achievers such as myself. Not only will this help them benefit from a civilising and feminising atmosphere, they’ll also receive appropriate awareness tuition so they can go on to choose their adult sexuality completely free of prejudicial social pressure.”

He added that the incidence of child cruelty and abuse has always been almost non-existent among homosexuals, whereas it is a fact that men who are attracted to women are statistically almost certain to sexually assault young children. He went on to say:

“Considering that only a few years ago men were sent to prison for being gay; I shall not rest until a full reversal is achieved. In years to come, I hope that homophobia and the deliberate promotion of the nuclear family will become criminal offences and rigorously punished.”

It is unclear when the legislation would be put before parliament, but it is expected that Lord Mandelson’s measures will be in place in time for his next holiday in Thailand. Children are easily obtainable in Thailand and are not difficult to export.

Gordon Brown’s beleagured government today announced innovative plans to target white voters at the next election. Lord Mandelson, who is tasked with masterminding Labour’s fightback at the polls, said it was about time the party remembered their core vote: the white working class.

In a little-reported speech at the Mansion House in London last night, he said:

“It’s all very well sucking up to the middle class and courting their vote, but I’m afraid these people have rumbled us. On the other hand, white trash, or as I prefer to call them, the working class, can be persuaded to keep us in power pretty well for ever. I believe that although we’ve lavished taxpayers’ money on them, these thankless bottom-feeders just don’t give us credit for our actions. Instead, they seem to do little else but drink Special Brew, download child porn and produce genetically dodgy kids.”

He went on to unveil the first of what promises to be a series of eye-catching initiatives, due to be rolled out nationally to the target audience of thick unemployables. At their next signing-on day, white Jobcentre customers will each receive a leaflet purporting to be a consumer satisfaction questionnaire, which they’ll be told to fill in and return to the Jobcentre or risk losing their benefits. The “questionnaire” will highlight how much claimants have benefited from the Labour government and inform them that if they vote Labour at the election they will receive an additional payment of £75. When asked why the intitiative was for whites only, Lord Mandelson retorted,

“Coloureds, Asians in particular, can’t be relied upon. Generally, they’re more intelligent and our private polls show they’re moving en-masse to the Tories. White trash are much easier to manipulate.”

When asked for a comment, Brendan Barber, General Secretary of the Trades Union Congress told us:

“Obviously, we have an interest here. Because we’re in the business of putting people out of work and keeping them out of work, we need know that they’re being well looked after. We also support any measures the government puts in place to ensure its own survival. I’m expecting a peerage and lots of fiddle out of this.”

It isn’t just duck-houses and avoiding capital gains tax by flipping homes; last night it emerged that MPs have been routinely charging HIV tests on their boyfriends to the taxpayer. Worse, it also turns out the tests were conducted privately, not on the NHS.

It is understood that the amounts involved run into many thousands of pounds. While it is widely accepted around the Palace of Westminster that homosexuality is rife in the House of Commons, and that Aids only affects homosexuals, one glance at the expenses sheets released last night confirms that at least 50% of the House has been indulging in gay sex.

One senior government member, who asked not to be named, said:

“When I’m up to my balls in my young South American boyfriend’s sphincter I need to know that I’m safe from infection. We all accept that HIV is exclusive to the gay community, and I know that my boyfriend has been around before I imported him, so I need to make sure that I stay healthy. More importanty, I need to be sure that my undoubted skills and knowledge won’t be prematurely lost to the Labour Party, sorry, country, so I’m looking after my health.”

After making this heartfelt statement, Baron Mandelson of Foy in the county of Herefordshire and Hartlepool in the county of Durham said that he had to rush off to a long-standing engagement.

Another of the people implicated, John (“call me Jon”) Bercow, recently-elected Speaker of the House of Commons said:

“If this gets out I’m toast. I’m married you know and my wife has no idea.”

A source told us

“Now you know why they were moving heaven and earth to get down the age of consent for the buggering of boys. They’re all at it, the dirty bastards.”

In a move intended to outflank the Conservatives in the run-up to the next election, the government has announced a major shake-up of sentencing policy.

The move was welcomed by all sections of the Labour Party as a practical way of reducing population-pressure on UK jails that are bursting at the seams. And, at the same time, it is seen as going some way towards granting real equality to immigrants.

The Home Secretary, former postman Alan Johnson, said the government was proud to introduce the new law. “This legislation achieves three main objectives. First, it will save millions of pounds by emptying our prisons and putting immigrants who break the law back into society where they belong. Secondly, it will remove the stigma of prison sentences from immigrants, especially those who are newly-arrived and haven’t yet attuned to our way of life. After all, it’s a sad fact that immigrants, especially those from war-torn African countries, are far more likely to stab or rape someone than people who have lived here for a while. In short, they don’t know any better and we must make allowances. Thirdly, by demonstrating compassion and putting them into council houses rather than simply locking them up like the Tories would like to do, we can stimulate the construction industry by making necessary the building of more council accommodation”.

The new legislation, which is to be rushed through the Commons, will mean that anyone from an ethic minority must be sentenced to community orders and/or probation if found guilty of any offence other than the most serious such as murder. Discussions are still in progress regarding murder convictions, but it is understood that suspended sentences will be recommended.

News emerged last night that a well-known Tory MP has been compromised after being caught in bed with a notorious local male prostitute. The incident took place in the MP’s luxury suite at the Midland Hotel in Manchester, where most of the Conservative delegates are staying during conference.

It is believed that the MP is the victim of a “honey trap” masterminded by the homosexual-rights group Stonewall as part of their campaign to “out” prominent people in public life. The MP has been named unofficially as Michael Gove, member for Surrey Heath and Shadow Secretary of State for Children, Schools and Families. Mr Gove is already embroiled in the recent expenses scandal, having “flipped” at least one “home” in order to avoid capital gains tax, and was the author of a grovelling apology made to his constituents when the scandal first came to light.

Although Michael is married to Sarah Vine, a writer at The Times, and they have two children, an informed source tells us that this is just the usual front used by well-known personalities (and wives who don’t like sex) in order to keep their true predilictions secret.

When confronted and asked to comment, David Cameron, the Tory leader, said:

“So what? Most of our MPs are either homosexual, Lib-Dem or simply pathological liars”.

Late last night, a spokesman for Stonewall confirmed that Michael Gove is the man they entrapped and promised to publish photographic evidence on their website which shows the MP being fellated by the 19 year old rent boy.

Mr Gove was unavailable for comment, but his private secretary said:

“I’m not surprised. I thought he was just a bit soppy, but I can well believe that he’s the other way – most MPs are: that’s why they’re always banging on about lowering the age of consent for shirt-lifters. But don’t quote me on that, whatever you do”.