Initial reports that Tiger Woods’ car crash was a direct result of his having rowed with his wife are accurate. But what caused their fall-out? Details are now emerging.

During routine medical tests carried out on the day of their row, Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, discovered she’d been infected with HIV. Thinking that her husband was the most likely culprit, she immediately drove home to confront him with the evidence, and a huge row erupted. After a torrid exchange of insults, Tiger jumped into his Cadillac Escalade and drove off into the night. Unfortunately, in common with most black men, his talents do not extend to driving cars, and he crashed within the first hundred yards.

A police spokesman confirmed the accident was completely avoidable: “This was a classic single-vehicle incident. I was first on the scene and can say it was caused entirely by driver incompetence. Basically, Mr Woods was driving in a melodramatic manner and lost control of the car. It’s the kind of thing teenagers do all the time. I can’t begin to tell you how many niggers drive like this and end up coming to grief.”

Doctors treating the golf star admitted were baffled by his condition when admitted to hospital. Dr Bartfieldfontein-Rothschild said: “We’re puzzled that such a low speed collision resulted in Mr Woods being knocked unconscious. Normally, negroes can sustain colossal head injuries and remain fully alert. We expect that following a day or so of medical observation he will be released back to his family.”

Reports are coming in that Thierry Henry, the well known footballer and former star of adverts for girlie French cars, has died in an horrific car crash.

It is understood that the accident took place in the same Paris underpass that claimed the life of Princess Diana more than ten years ago.

Eye witness accounts confirm that Thierry was in the driver’s seat of the black Mercedes as it left the road at high speed, impacting on the very same concrete pillar that the Princess’s car collided with.

French police are believed to be searching for Irish registered cars and people with Irish accents after hearing that Thierry’s car was being chased by fans angry at the result of last nights World Cup qualifier where the cheating cunt ruined Ireland’s chance of making it to South Africa.

Interviewed over the telephone on a bad line, his partner Ashley Cole said:

“The hospital says that he is in intensive care, but they don’t expect him to pull through because they can’t detect any brain activity. I told them they need to remember he is French and make allowances. I’m praying for him while I travel to his bedside.”

In a frank admission, the Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, last night confirmed what many people already suspected: that most policewomen are lesbian. Surprisingly, he also stated that he believes not enough policemen are homosexual or transgender, which is why recruitment advertisements will from now on be confined to media that have the correct readership, such as The Guardian newspaper.

“We need to get away from stereotypical images of policing and make sure that forces throughout the UK are appropriately constituted. Now that the police service operates more as an engine of social engineering than anything else, we need to ensure that all serving police officers are sympathetic to the minorities they are there to support”.

He went on:

”Gone are the days when the police were there to tackle burglars and robbers, like you see in programmes such as The Sweeney. Oh no, we’ve already got rid of that macho culture. And, to maintain our policy, we come down hard on any officers who persist in practices such as tough questioning of suspects (apart from people who have offended muslims that is). I am proud of our modern police service and will continue to do all I can to make it the number one employer of gays and transgender people. This is the only way to fight the so-called canteen culture and make the country fit for gays, immigrants and people thinking of gender reassignment”.

As part of the government’s policy of modernisation, accountability and fairness, Ed Balls, the Educashun Minister, today announced his latest weapon against elitism…

He told a meeting of Community Outreach Workers, all recent graduates in Lesbian Studies and New Media:

“We have to bring more fairness into education. We also have to get more young people going to university. Unfortunately, that isn’t how our best universities see their role. Instead, they insist on excluding applicants who don’t have qualifications that match up to their requirements. So, I’m bringing in new admission rules for all universities, especially the snobbiest such as Oxford and Cambridge.”

He continued,

“Universities must throw open their doors to the most disadvantaged in our society. I’m talking especially about young people whose parents couldn’t afford private education. Therefore we are introducing a Fairness Agenda which will be binding on all further educational outlets.”

“The Fairness Agenda consists of new criteria that must be used when assessing applicants for university admission. Basically, it is a points system designed to end elitism once and for all. Points will be awarded according to the type of school attended with maximum being awarded to those who are state educated. Then, disabilities and sexual orientation are taken into account by awarding further points for being gay, bisexual or having any physical or mental disability.”

Chris Woodhead, former Chief Inspector of Schools said:

“These new rules mean that if you are extremely thick, or were unfortunate enough to have attended a state school, you need to have a few limbs amputated and you’ll be good for any university. Either that, or you need to find a sudden liking for taking it up the arse.”

In a confidential email, sure to cause widespread embarrassment to the government and climate change activists alike, Ed Miliband, Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change has described climate change as “The best scam ever invented”.

Despite having no science qualifications whatsoever, Mr Miliband is the government’s global warming cheerleader, popping up everywhere with all kinds of deceitful messages and propaganda.

The email, thought to have been accidentally forwarded to the press by one of his assistants, details how Miliband believes he has found “A job for life” and

“Here’s a scam that can’t be rumbled for decades. It’s not like the Millennium Bug – we never had time to get that one really going – this one can run and run and run. I love it.”

He continues:

“You only have to look at Al Gore in America. He got beat in the election and now he’s a multi-millionaire out of this. But, for me, it’s not just the money: it’s the fact that you can order people about and dream up life-changing restrictions without even having to be in government. Look, my career as a politician ends at the next election, I need this new opening.”

As Miliband’s email was being digested by senior politicians of all parties, one source close to Downing Street said:

“He’s a twat that Miliband. He’s just a greasy Jewish Commie with ideas that are bigger than his brain can handle. He should still be in short trousers, not going round buggering up one of the great money-making myths of the age. And just when we thought we’d managed to get the whole electorate on a guilt-trip”.

The BNP today came up with what seems a simple solution to the Afghanistan war.

At a press conference in London, Nick Griffin said:

“There are 120,000 Afghans living in the UK. And those are just the ones we know about. We’re also told that the police are overstretched keeping tabs on UK muslim terrorist plots. The Afghan war is meant to keep terrorism off the streets of our country and we’re told that if we weren’t prosecuting the war we’d be obliged to let in even more Afghans as refugees and asylum seekers. Well, how about getting rid of the Afghans and all the other assorted muslims and sending them back to their own countries…then we can bring our forces back home and forget about the bastards”.

Mr Griffin’s message was immediately attacked by government ministers. Jack Straw, whose constituency is over-run with muslims, and is noted for altering his views to suit the circumstances, said:

“This is a typical race-hate solution from the BNP. As far as I’m concerned this country should have as many asians as can be fitted in. The longer the war in Afghanistan goes on the better, because it’s a great distraction from the economic mess we’ve created”.

Baroness Scotland, the Attorney General and as black as the ace of spades, agreed.

“Hey, I’ve just lost my illegal-immigrant cleaner and housekeeper. We need a constant supply of immigrants so that members of the liberal elite such as me can obtain cheap and compliant labour. Anyway, I wouldn’t have a white person in my house”.

Gordon Brown could not be contacted. His spokesman told us that he was with cabinet ministers discussing whether there was time to win the sympathy vote by fathering another dodgy child before the next election. The spokesman said:

“Gordon knows that fathering kids that die quickly is great for politicians – just look at David Cameron. But, we fear he has left it too late, unless he goes for the premature birth option”.

Jack Straw announced today that at least a thousand more mosques are to be built in the UK over the next two years. He also made it clear that taxpayers’ money would be used to fund the unprecedented building programme.

“Let’s face it” he said to our reporter,

“muslims are the main supporters of the Labour Party these days and we must do all we can to keep them onside. We will be putting up new mosques wherever muslims want them, including areas where they are not yet a majority. This makes good electoral sense and I don’t care what the white fascist Tory-voting middle class make of it. In fact, we’re currently thinking about demolishing a few churches and synagogues to make way for them”.

Asked to comment, David Cameron, the Tory leader said,

“We fully endorse this plan. I want to lead a party that is inclusive and, to be frank, I’ll do anything to get into power, including siding with a few Pakis. After all, they’ll soon outnumber us, so there’s no real choice. By the way, did you know that I had a disabled son? He died you know”.

Noor Ramjanally, muslim community leader in Southall welcomed the move.

“It’s only logical that we should build more mosques. We are in the middle of a breeding programme intended to make us the dominant race in the UK and it is fitting that we should have an appropriate number of places of worship and brainwashing at our disposal”.

The Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg was unavailable for comment last night, but a spokesperson for the party said:

“It’s no good asking us for comment because every single one of our MPs has a different view on every issue”.

In a thinly-veiled attack on senior judges, the police and the Crown Prosecution Service, Harriet Harman, Minister for women and equality said today that she would be masterminding major changes in the criminal law.

“The conviction rate for men accused of rape and sexual offences against women is disgracefully low and we must do something about it. Next month I will introduce a parliamentary bill that will end this situation once and for all”

, she said.

She went on to explain that the bill will contain three main provisions. One, that any woman found to have made false rape claims will be immune from prosecution and will continue to enjoy anonymity. Two, that bail will only be granted to men who make full and frank confessions of guilt immediately after arrest. Three, that the presumption of innocence, a tradition that goes back centuries, be suspended in rape and sexual assault cases.

In a short interview with our reporter she added:

“It’s about time someone stood up for women and I’m the person to do it. Men have been getting away with violence against women for too long and they need to be taught a lesson. I intend to make conviction rates rise to something like one hundred percent and for sentences to be far harsher. Juries will be told, as soon as they enter court and see the man in the dock that they must assume him to be guilty. Judges are to be told to make sure the prosecution gets their full support and the police will be instructed to prosecute every single complaint of rape that comes their way. It’s no good thinking that drunken irrational women would ever make a false complaint, indeed, I would urge them to routinely interview all women to find out it they can recall a man they can accuse of raping them in the past”.

“Socialism is all about taking decision-making away from the individual. We know what is best for you, so we decide what speed you should be doing at any given time. It’s all about control.”

So said Sadiq Khan, Minister of State for Transport, as he unveiled the latest measures in the government’s fight to make Britain’s roads the safest in the world.

Over the next three months, at least 20,000 more speed cameras are to be installed urgently on UK roads, including those that haven’t seen any accidents for twenty years or more.

Mr Sadiq went on,

“It’s also a class and pleasure thing. The middle classes drive around in luxury cars capable of covering a great deal of ground quickly, and we think it should be stopped. We also believe that taking the pleasure out of certain activities makes them safer. It’s a well known fact that car enthusiasts are more likely to drive quickly for the enjoyment of speed, and this habit in particular has to be stamped out. Also, as a muslim, I feel it is incumbent on me to make sure more cameras are sited within constituencies that vote disproportionately for the BNP. So let that be a warning: if you vote BNP you will be punished. Of course, if you vote Tory it doesn’t matter because they’re even soppier than us in many ways”.

Gordon Brown said:

“This is all about equality and fairness. It’s a well known fact that women and immigrants are appalling drivers, so it’s only proper that everyone should be reduced to their level, i.e. made to drive very slowly. Actually, I hate driving and the DVLA aren’t keen on me taking to the road with my sight problems, so I don’t see why anyone else should enjoy it either. We’re getting these cameras in as quickly as we can, certainly before the next election. Please think of it as Labour’s parting gift”.

In a move intended to inject accountability and fairness into the selection of candidates for the next election, David Cameron today announced that he will be ordering special shortlists to be drawn up for many constituencies.

“People already know that we intend to have all-women shortlists, especially for the safe Tory seats. But now we’re going even further. For fifty of our safest seats we’ll be selecting candidates from shortlists that are not only all-women, in addition they will be black or asian, lesbian and disabled. This will demonstrate my determination to rid the party, once and for all, of its previous reputation for elitism and racist selection.”

Mr Cameron went on to say that his new initiative should play well with voters in marginal areas, where many immigrants tend to live, but will not affect the outcome in safe Tory seats. He told our reporter,

“To be frank, all I’m bothered about is winning the election. Having a few black dykes around the place once we’re in power won’t matter because we’ll be able to tell them what to do”.

Asked to comment, Gordon Brown said that he intends to match the Tory move. “We’re just about to do the same, but as usual, the Tories have moved first in a cynical publicity exercise”, he said in a statement released from Downing Street.