In a well-signalled move, Lord Mandelson last night announced an imminent shake-up of adoption laws.

Speaking at the NSPCC’s [National Society for the Prevention of Children] annual dinner, he said:

“After discussions with eminent and interested parties such as Sir Elton John, George Michael and my live-in lover Ronaldo, the government has decided to make the adoption of children fairer and non-elitist going forward. For too long, it has been assumed that children flourish when brought up by married and co-habiting heterosexual couples. Now, however, after extensive research carried out by me, it turns out this isn’t true. In fact, it is far better for adopted kids to be placed with gay couples, preferably high-achievers such as myself. Not only will this help them benefit from a civilising and feminising atmosphere, they’ll also receive appropriate awareness tuition so they can go on to choose their adult sexuality completely free of prejudicial social pressure.”

He added that the incidence of child cruelty and abuse has always been almost non-existent among homosexuals, whereas it is a fact that men who are attracted to women are statistically almost certain to sexually assault young children. He went on to say:

“Considering that only a few years ago men were sent to prison for being gay; I shall not rest until a full reversal is achieved. In years to come, I hope that homophobia and the deliberate promotion of the nuclear family will become criminal offences and rigorously punished.”

It is unclear when the legislation would be put before parliament, but it is expected that Lord Mandelson’s measures will be in place in time for his next holiday in Thailand. Children are easily obtainable in Thailand and are not difficult to export.