With the introduction of compulsory ID cards hot on the political agenda, the Home Secretary announced today that in addition to being used as a weapon against terrorists, the cards would also be valuable in the fight against paedophiles.

He said:

“Now that we’ve discovered criminal record checks do little to protect children, particularly from first-offenders who simply do not show up on our radar, and because sex-offending isn’t confined to men, we are introducing a catch-all system to ensure only suitable people are allowed near the nation’s children and infants. This system, which amounts to a foolproof audit of all living adults, will be incorporated into ID card data. This means that when someone presents an ID card, you only have to check that it contains the words Passed UK Paedophile Audit in order to be sure that the person is safe around children. Additionally, because so many people object to the idea of compulsory ID cards, we feel this is a good way of softening them up and making them more amenable to them”.

He went on to describe how the new system will operate. All adults, aged 14 to 75, will be obliged to submit to an Arousal Test. This consists of having a sensor attached to the penis (inserted into the vagina in the case of women) before being shown child porn of all categories. The slightest twitch (or moistening in the case of women) will result in that person having their ID card marked with the words Failed UK Paedophile Audit. Of course, in order to keep the data current, all UK residents will be tested as they reach the age of 14. Additionally, all visitors and immigrants to the UK will be obliged to undergo the test at the port of entry.

It is understood that some crown employees will be exempt. These will include MPs and crown court judges, together with vicars and priests.