In a frank admission, the Justice Secretary, Jack Straw, last night confirmed what many people already suspected: that most policewomen are lesbian. Surprisingly, he also stated that he believes not enough policemen are homosexual or transgender, which is why recruitment advertisements will from now on be confined to media that have the correct readership, such as The Guardian newspaper.

“We need to get away from stereotypical images of policing and make sure that forces throughout the UK are appropriately constituted. Now that the police service operates more as an engine of social engineering than anything else, we need to ensure that all serving police officers are sympathetic to the minorities they are there to support”.

He went on:

”Gone are the days when the police were there to tackle burglars and robbers, like you see in programmes such as The Sweeney. Oh no, we’ve already got rid of that macho culture. And, to maintain our policy, we come down hard on any officers who persist in practices such as tough questioning of suspects (apart from people who have offended muslims that is). I am proud of our modern police service and will continue to do all I can to make it the number one employer of gays and transgender people. This is the only way to fight the so-called canteen culture and make the country fit for gays, immigrants and people thinking of gender reassignment”.