As part of the government’s drive towards a more diverse and culturally-rich society, the Justice Ministry announced today that science and technology will be employed in its recently announced overhaul of sentencing guidelines. The changes will relate to the treatment of ethic minorities by crown and magistrates’ courts and are intended to mollify campaigners calling for more lenient sentences, especially for newly arrived immigrants.

With measures already in place to ensure that ethic minorities must not be sentenced to prison if found guilty of any but the most serious offences, discussions have reached a conclusion regarding the disposal of cases involving rape, murder, manslaughter, robbery and kidnap.

Sentencing will be on a sliding scale. Offenders with the darkest skin will continue to receive the lightest sentences (no change there, then), generally probation or community service. Those with the lightest skin, ranging right up to caucasian will receive the heaviest sentences.

Skin pigmentation will be precisely measured using spectrometers, with results conveyed to judges via the usual probation reports. To ensure fairness, for those whose pigmentation is anything but black, a language appraisal will also be considered. This means anyone who doesn’t speak perfect English will be treated as if they were black-skinned.

The Home Secretary, former postman Alan Johnson, was keen to stress the fairness of the new guidelines.

“Everybody knows that most black people are either thick and prone to violence, or devious and likely to have talents related excusively to fraud. These new measures will protect not only the rights of black people, but immigrants of all colours, and Asians. I commend it to the house.”

Judge Robert Bartfield, well known jewish Leftie and scourge of gentile offenders, said:

“This is brilliant news and justifies my approach over the years. Everybody I’ve spoken to at the synagogue is thrilled.”