Gordon Brown’s beleagured government today announced innovative plans to target white voters at the next election. Lord Mandelson, who is tasked with masterminding Labour’s fightback at the polls, said it was about time the party remembered their core vote: the white working class.

In a little-reported speech at the Mansion House in London last night, he said:

“It’s all very well sucking up to the middle class and courting their vote, but I’m afraid these people have rumbled us. On the other hand, white trash, or as I prefer to call them, the working class, can be persuaded to keep us in power pretty well for ever. I believe that although we’ve lavished taxpayers’ money on them, these thankless bottom-feeders just don’t give us credit for our actions. Instead, they seem to do little else but drink Special Brew, download child porn and produce genetically dodgy kids.”

He went on to unveil the first of what promises to be a series of eye-catching initiatives, due to be rolled out nationally to the target audience of thick unemployables. At their next signing-on day, white Jobcentre customers will each receive a leaflet purporting to be a consumer satisfaction questionnaire, which they’ll be told to fill in and return to the Jobcentre or risk losing their benefits. The “questionnaire” will highlight how much claimants have benefited from the Labour government and inform them that if they vote Labour at the election they will receive an additional payment of £75. When asked why the intitiative was for whites only, Lord Mandelson retorted,

“Coloureds, Asians in particular, can’t be relied upon. Generally, they’re more intelligent and our private polls show they’re moving en-masse to the Tories. White trash are much easier to manipulate.”

When asked for a comment, Brendan Barber, General Secretary of the Trades Union Congress told us:

“Obviously, we have an interest here. Because we’re in the business of putting people out of work and keeping them out of work, we need know that they’re being well looked after. We also support any measures the government puts in place to ensure its own survival. I’m expecting a peerage and lots of fiddle out of this.”