It isn’t just duck-houses and avoiding capital gains tax by flipping homes; last night it emerged that MPs have been routinely charging HIV tests on their boyfriends to the taxpayer. Worse, it also turns out the tests were conducted privately, not on the NHS.

It is understood that the amounts involved run into many thousands of pounds. While it is widely accepted around the Palace of Westminster that homosexuality is rife in the House of Commons, and that Aids only affects homosexuals, one glance at the expenses sheets released last night confirms that at least 50% of the House has been indulging in gay sex.

One senior government member, who asked not to be named, said:

“When I’m up to my balls in my young South American boyfriend’s sphincter I need to know that I’m safe from infection. We all accept that HIV is exclusive to the gay community, and I know that my boyfriend has been around before I imported him, so I need to make sure that I stay healthy. More importanty, I need to be sure that my undoubted skills and knowledge won’t be prematurely lost to the Labour Party, sorry, country, so I’m looking after my health.”

After making this heartfelt statement, Baron Mandelson of Foy in the county of Herefordshire and Hartlepool in the county of Durham said that he had to rush off to a long-standing engagement.

Another of the people implicated, John (“call me Jon”) Bercow, recently-elected Speaker of the House of Commons said:

“If this gets out I’m toast. I’m married you know and my wife has no idea.”

A source told us

“Now you know why they were moving heaven and earth to get down the age of consent for the buggering of boys. They’re all at it, the dirty bastards.”