The charity world was rocked last night by Martin Narey, the Chief Executive of Barnardos. Formerly the head of the UK Prison Service, Mr Narey was recorded on tape admitting that,

“Barnardos is the best scam I’ve ever seen. We pretend to do valuable work, but actually all we do is sit around all day telling other people what they should be doing and draw big salaries. Ok, it’s sanctimonious claptrap that we put out, and I hate it, but boy does it pay the bills. And, I get a cracking pension as well! All being well, there’ll be a peerage in it too. Believe me, there’s nothing like running charities for making big dosh, and nobody ever complains – it’s not like being a banker.”

Ed Balls, Children’s and Schools minister said:

“The cat’s out of the bag now. That fat bastard Narey was only appointed to shut him up about the problems in the prisons; now he’s buggering up one of the best-maintained illusions we’ve ever created.”

A spokesman for the Charities Commission said last night,

“Everybody except the general public knows that charities are run entirely for the benefit of the people who run them. Barnardos haven’t done anything useful since 1989, when they closed the last of their orphanages. It’s the same with Children in Need: if the money that gets raised ever got anywhere near the children it’s intended for they’d all be millionaires by now. The trouble with this kind of irresponsible talk is that it damages us all, people in the charity business, that is.”

Late last night Mr Narey was unavailable for comment. However, a woman describing herself as his personal assistant said: “Fuck off.”