In a well-trailed move, and part of the ongoing campaign to bring equality and fairness to homosexuals, it has been announced by Ed Balls, the minister for children, schools and families, that pupils as young as seven will soon be receiving classroom visits and lectures from Elton John, the well-known pop singer.

Announcing the initiative, Mr Balls said:

“It is a fact that many young children are unaware of their latent sexual tendencies and it’s important that these should be nurtured as early as possible, before they go on to develop heterosexual habits later in life. Educational psychologists at the department of education estimate that the true percentage of the population that is homosexual is around 75%, but that inapropriate education and mistakes in their upbringing cause too many children to develop “Homosexuality Denial”.

In an interview with the Guardian newspaper, Mr John explained that he would be visiting as many schools as possible over the coming months and that school timetables are being amended so as to accommodate his lectures. He added,

“I intend to bring hope to those children who are wrestling with their sexuality and reassure them that you are never too young to start having sex. We’ll be starting with seven-year olds and working our way up them”.

Mr Balls welcomed Mr John’s initiative saying:

“We’ve managed to get education to a stage where pupils learn nothing at all and remain illiterate right up to the age of sixteen. Now, we can be proud we’re really them something that will improve their lives and outcomes. Who knows, it may even impress the judges on X Factor”

With fairness constantly at the forefront of government thinking, the Health Secretary Andy Burnham has announced a shake-up of medical qualifications. In a move aimed squarely at educational elitists, the Health Secretary said that from June 2010 anyone with a degree obtained at an English university will be able to practise medicine. This means that students who do not attend medical school, but who feel they would have qualified if they had, will be able to become family doctors, surgeons or dentists, (but not all three at once). Acceptable degrees will include Media Studies, Golf Course Management and pretty well every other degree currently available at UK universities.

Unveiling the strategy, Mr Burnham said he was delighted to introduce the reforms and that they were well overdue.

“For too long we have accepted that only people from posh schools and wealthy families who can afford huge tuition fees should practise medicine. And, with our current shortage of doctors and dentists here is a practical way to bridge the gap between demand and supply. The NHS already pays out millions of pounds every year in medical negligence claims, and I don’t believe that opening up opportunities for all graduates to have a bash at healing people will make any noticeable difference. In any case, we’ll be voted out before the results begin to show and the Tories will just have to deal with it. Serves ‘em right.”

A spokesperson for the American president Obamarama said they were excited by the move and would be looking to incorporate it into their fledgling state-funded medical care scheme when it is introduced.