Initial reports that Tiger Woods’ car crash was a direct result of his having rowed with his wife are accurate. But what caused their fall-out? Details are now emerging.

During routine medical tests carried out on the day of their row, Woods’ wife, Elin Nordegren, discovered she’d been infected with HIV. Thinking that her husband was the most likely culprit, she immediately drove home to confront him with the evidence, and a huge row erupted. After a torrid exchange of insults, Tiger jumped into his Cadillac Escalade and drove off into the night. Unfortunately, in common with most black men, his talents do not extend to driving cars, and he crashed within the first hundred yards.

A police spokesman confirmed the accident was completely avoidable: “This was a classic single-vehicle incident. I was first on the scene and can say it was caused entirely by driver incompetence. Basically, Mr Woods was driving in a melodramatic manner and lost control of the car. It’s the kind of thing teenagers do all the time. I can’t begin to tell you how many niggers drive like this and end up coming to grief.”

Doctors treating the golf star admitted were baffled by his condition when admitted to hospital. Dr Bartfieldfontein-Rothschild said: “We’re puzzled that such a low speed collision resulted in Mr Woods being knocked unconscious. Normally, negroes can sustain colossal head injuries and remain fully alert. We expect that following a day or so of medical observation he will be released back to his family.”