As part of the government’s policy of modernisation, accountability and fairness, Ed Balls, the Educashun Minister, today announced his latest weapon against elitism…

He told a meeting of Community Outreach Workers, all recent graduates in Lesbian Studies and New Media:

“We have to bring more fairness into education. We also have to get more young people going to university. Unfortunately, that isn’t how our best universities see their role. Instead, they insist on excluding applicants who don’t have qualifications that match up to their requirements. So, I’m bringing in new admission rules for all universities, especially the snobbiest such as Oxford and Cambridge.”

He continued,

“Universities must throw open their doors to the most disadvantaged in our society. I’m talking especially about young people whose parents couldn’t afford private education. Therefore we are introducing a Fairness Agenda which will be binding on all further educational outlets.”

“The Fairness Agenda consists of new criteria that must be used when assessing applicants for university admission. Basically, it is a points system designed to end elitism once and for all. Points will be awarded according to the type of school attended with maximum being awarded to those who are state educated. Then, disabilities and sexual orientation are taken into account by awarding further points for being gay, bisexual or having any physical or mental disability.”

Chris Woodhead, former Chief Inspector of Schools said:

“These new rules mean that if you are extremely thick, or were unfortunate enough to have attended a state school, you need to have a few limbs amputated and you’ll be good for any university. Either that, or you need to find a sudden liking for taking it up the arse.”